Confession

Okay, I have a problem. 

 I love food.  It smells good, it tastes good, and I like the feeling of a full tummy; however, I have a real problem stopping once I've started to eat something "bad".  I can't just have a few bites; I have to finish whatever it is.  I know it sounds crazy.  And if I have one, I just want more, and more, and more, and more.  It is seriously an addiction.  The other day I posted about how I was going to have a cookie and not feel guilty about it.  So I did.  I ate a cookie.  I told myself that was enough.  Yay for only having one cookie.  You did it!  I walked away.  I woke up at 3:30 to a crying baby and felt a tiny bit hungry.  There was a big plate of cookies on the table, waiting to be delivered to daycare, so I ate another cookie.  What's the harm in one more?  They're probably 150 calories each.  When my alarm went off at 5:00, I ate another cookie.  Then a huge amount of guilt hit.  Why are you eating a cookie so early in the morning?  What the heck is wrong with you?  Look what you've done: one cookie turned into three.  What the hell are you thinking?  This is exactly what I said I wasn't going to do.  Gosh, I'm a failure.  I never follow through with what I say.  Well, I've blown it.  Go ahead and eat another, you've already failed at what you said you were going to do.  You know what?  You ate cookies and blew it, you might as well just eat a big Chipotle burrito for dinner too.  Why not?  You are already 500+ calories over what you're supposed to eat.  Now I'm sitting here, stuffed to the gills, feeling horrible about myself.  Why can't I just eat one and be done with it?

I've come up with two possible solutions:

1. Never eat foods that are a temptation again.  I know what sends me into these cycles where I just can't stop.  I can avoid these foods; I did it when I was losing weight pre-pregnancy.  But I was SO strict with myself then and I really learned to have a fear of eating certain foods.  It made going out to eat, eating in social situations, going to other people's houses nearly impossible.  It means eliminating anything that contains sugar, potatoes, pasta, anything cheesy, etc.  I just cannot have a little bit of these foods.  When I eat them, I want to eat amounts that make me feel sick after.

2. Give myself a cheat meal where it is okay to eat as much of these things as I want, without feeling guilty.  I know saying to only eat 1/2 cup of pasta isn't going to work for me.  I'll finish what Kevin doesn't eat, and I'll eat whatever is left in the pan.  Pasta does that to me.  But if I said from the beginning that I was allowed to eat as much as I wanted, would it be okay?  I think doing this for a whole day would be dangerous.  But if I did one meal a week, maybe it would help.  I'd be able to eat what I'm craving, as much of it as I want in one sitting, and just get it out of my system.  A burger and fries?  Go for it.  Chinese food?  Knock yourself out.  I know what is going to happen.  I'll stuff myself and feel sick.  But maybe if I do this, I'll eventually LEARN that this isn't the way to treat myself; that eating like that makes me feel worse, not better.  See, my head gets it--I already know it's going to make me feel crappy, yet I still want it.  Why?  Why?  Why?

Here's what really frustrates me.  I'm making so much progress with my exercise.  I'm excited about the 5K on Sunday, yet I feel like food is just holding me down.  Why can't food be easier?  Why can't I just not care about what I'm eating. 

This is a really depressing post.  It's so honest though.  I'll end on a postive note: as bad as my eating was today, I had a good moment in the closet this morning.  I tried on the pair of jeans I bought right before I found out I was pregnant.  I tried them on and they fit!  I wore them to work today!  When I went back to work two months ago I tried them on and they were a good two inches from even buttoning, and they were super tight in the legs and butt.  I was really happy that they fit!!!  But see, why isn't that enough motivation for me?

Progress, Not Perfection

Temptations here, temptations there, temptations are around me everywhere!!!! Hey, that rhymes!!! Temptations aren't alone, obstacles seem to be everywhere too. I've decided this is a HARD time of the year to be trying to lose weight. I was really frustrated this afternoon, but after spending some time driving and thinking, I decided I needed to remember what I tell my struggling students: all I ask for is progress, not perfection. If they are trying and improving, I will reward them. I need to remember that for myself.

I was really excited for today. Really excited. I had the day all planned out. I was going to teach from 8:25-9:25, make copies, pump, change, and leave school by 10:15 (didn't have any other finals today). I was going to straight to the gym and try to do 2 miles of intervals on treadmill, then 45 min of cycle with my favorite cycle lady, Suzanne! Then I was going to grab a Subway, pick up gift basket for daycare lady, go shopping at Target, and pick up baby and cuddle with her.

Here's what actually happened: I caught a good kid cheating on his final. It really bummed me out. Disappointed me. Then a teacher friend who I rarely get to visit with stopped by my room. We ended up chatting until 10:45! I completely lost track of time catching up with her, but I enjoyed the chat :). I ran up to do my copies, and of course, the machine was broken. Surprise! So I waited for the guy to fool around with it. It was after 11 by the time I got back to by room. Cycle was at 12; there was no way for me to make it; I still had to pump. So I finally left at 11:45, mad that I wasn't going to make cycle. But I made a new plan: do errands now and then jog with baby. Errands did NOT go as planned. Stores were out of things, stores were crowded, extra stops were made, etc. By the time I picked up Gabriella, it was 4:15; it was dark when I pulled in the driveway. So much for my plans.

Now for the temptations: gingerbread at department meeting, homemade peppermint bark from a student, going away treats at staff meeting, cookies in Panera Bread box for my students. Literally, everywhere you look this time of the year, there is food. And tonight and tomorrow I am baking cookies. I wondered how I was going to get through 3 batches of cookies without eating any, then I remembered what I tell my students: progress, not perfection. Will I fail if I eat one cookie? No. Will I gain 5 pounds if I eat one cookie? No. Will I regret not eating my favorite cookie? Probably. Will one cookie satisfy me? Probably. Why not just eat one and be happy? Perfection would be resisting temptation and not eating any. Progress would be eating one being satisfied, and stopping (instead of eating 3 or 4 tonight, 3 or 4 tomorrow, feeling horrible for going off track, and saying what the hell, I blew it, I'll start again on Monday). Like I said, progress, not perfection, is what I need to focus on.

Ann and I have a run scheduled for tomorrow after school. I'm looking forward to it :) I told Kevin today that in a year from now I want to have done a half marathon. He said, "Wow! You're really into this running thing now, huh?". Yeah, I guess I'm getting into it :)

Goals

Here are some things that I want to accomplish by the last day of school (end of May):

-Jog 3 miles without stopping
-Do a real push up
-Weigh less than 225 pounds
-Fit into at least one piece of regular sized clothing (tops are more realistic than pants!)

A Whole Mile . . .

Ann sent me an inspirational video on YouTube about a guy who has lost 120 pounds. It's really cool!  I want to follow in his footsteps.  Gosh, if I lost 120 pounds, I'd be in the 160's.  That's just unimaginable to me at this point.  We decided to do a mile today and time me.  When we set out, I said I wanted to jog the whole thing without stopping.  I could tell Ann thought I wouldn't make it without walking; she gave me several helpful strategies for getting through it, but also gave me permission to take a walk break.  Honestly, in my head, I thought I'd need a walk break too, but I was trying to drown that negative voice out.  We kept a pretty steady pace the whole time, and I really tried to focus on my breathing.  My heart rate hovered right around 172 the whole time, and I was definitely pushing myself.  Part way through lap 2 I really wanted to stop and walk. I told myself to finish the rest of the lap, then I could walk.  Miraculously, by the time I got to the third lap, I felt fine again.  That lap was pretty easy, and Ann humored me with some really funny stories that I cannot share :)   About a quarter of the way through the last lap I really, really wanted a walk break.  But how lame would that be to walk when I was almost finished???  We kept jogging and finished in 13:08.  It can only go down from here!

Starting Measurements

Today we took measurements:
Waist: 52
Hips: 62.5
Thigh: 29
Bicep: 14.5
Weight: 287.8
Body Fat: 49.5%
BMI: 46.4

Half of my body is made up of fat.  That's disgusting.  While I want to just sit and cry about how far I've let myself go, I know it isn't going to help the situation.  All I can do is just put one foot in front of the other, and keep making one good choice at a time.  It can only get better from here, right?