Confession

Okay, I have a problem. 

 I love food.  It smells good, it tastes good, and I like the feeling of a full tummy; however, I have a real problem stopping once I've started to eat something "bad".  I can't just have a few bites; I have to finish whatever it is.  I know it sounds crazy.  And if I have one, I just want more, and more, and more, and more.  It is seriously an addiction.  The other day I posted about how I was going to have a cookie and not feel guilty about it.  So I did.  I ate a cookie.  I told myself that was enough.  Yay for only having one cookie.  You did it!  I walked away.  I woke up at 3:30 to a crying baby and felt a tiny bit hungry.  There was a big plate of cookies on the table, waiting to be delivered to daycare, so I ate another cookie.  What's the harm in one more?  They're probably 150 calories each.  When my alarm went off at 5:00, I ate another cookie.  Then a huge amount of guilt hit.  Why are you eating a cookie so early in the morning?  What the heck is wrong with you?  Look what you've done: one cookie turned into three.  What the hell are you thinking?  This is exactly what I said I wasn't going to do.  Gosh, I'm a failure.  I never follow through with what I say.  Well, I've blown it.  Go ahead and eat another, you've already failed at what you said you were going to do.  You know what?  You ate cookies and blew it, you might as well just eat a big Chipotle burrito for dinner too.  Why not?  You are already 500+ calories over what you're supposed to eat.  Now I'm sitting here, stuffed to the gills, feeling horrible about myself.  Why can't I just eat one and be done with it?

I've come up with two possible solutions:

1. Never eat foods that are a temptation again.  I know what sends me into these cycles where I just can't stop.  I can avoid these foods; I did it when I was losing weight pre-pregnancy.  But I was SO strict with myself then and I really learned to have a fear of eating certain foods.  It made going out to eat, eating in social situations, going to other people's houses nearly impossible.  It means eliminating anything that contains sugar, potatoes, pasta, anything cheesy, etc.  I just cannot have a little bit of these foods.  When I eat them, I want to eat amounts that make me feel sick after.

2. Give myself a cheat meal where it is okay to eat as much of these things as I want, without feeling guilty.  I know saying to only eat 1/2 cup of pasta isn't going to work for me.  I'll finish what Kevin doesn't eat, and I'll eat whatever is left in the pan.  Pasta does that to me.  But if I said from the beginning that I was allowed to eat as much as I wanted, would it be okay?  I think doing this for a whole day would be dangerous.  But if I did one meal a week, maybe it would help.  I'd be able to eat what I'm craving, as much of it as I want in one sitting, and just get it out of my system.  A burger and fries?  Go for it.  Chinese food?  Knock yourself out.  I know what is going to happen.  I'll stuff myself and feel sick.  But maybe if I do this, I'll eventually LEARN that this isn't the way to treat myself; that eating like that makes me feel worse, not better.  See, my head gets it--I already know it's going to make me feel crappy, yet I still want it.  Why?  Why?  Why?

Here's what really frustrates me.  I'm making so much progress with my exercise.  I'm excited about the 5K on Sunday, yet I feel like food is just holding me down.  Why can't food be easier?  Why can't I just not care about what I'm eating. 

This is a really depressing post.  It's so honest though.  I'll end on a postive note: as bad as my eating was today, I had a good moment in the closet this morning.  I tried on the pair of jeans I bought right before I found out I was pregnant.  I tried them on and they fit!  I wore them to work today!  When I went back to work two months ago I tried them on and they were a good two inches from even buttoning, and they were super tight in the legs and butt.  I was really happy that they fit!!!  But see, why isn't that enough motivation for me?